I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
We smell like vodka and hangover
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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