Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
