hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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