Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I think i got beer on your cat.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
