I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
