It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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