The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
