My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
