just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
