Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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