We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
