I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
