The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
