Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
