Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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