I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
