wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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