I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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