sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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