The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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