please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
