My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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