I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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