she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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