i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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