I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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