Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
