If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
