A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
