If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
