You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
