You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize