Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
