I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
