Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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