This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Boobs speak an international language.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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