I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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