when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
