that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
