Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
