I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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