I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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