Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
