i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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