Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
