Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
