I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
