i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
