i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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