ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize