If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
