The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
