Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
