We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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