have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Who died my cat blue again?
FUCK WHALES
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
