He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize