I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
