Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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