My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
