I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
