I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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