She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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